48 hours and a bit

It's so hard to accept that I have a little bit more than two days left here. And as hard as it is for me to accept that, a person told me that it's harder for my parents to accept that. Soon, I will no longer be a car trip away. I can't just call my parents and tell them that I am ill, expecting them to appear right before my eyes a day after. Soon, I wouldn't even be able to call my parents whenever I'd like (as if I call them a lot anyway). Soon, I wouldn't be able to go down to the food my mum made or the ones my dad bought. And unless I come back within the 3 years I am supposed to be away, I'll be missing all the jemaah prayers with my family, the car trips, the holidays, the birthdays, the jokes and the love.

Someone told me that showing sadness would lead to more sadness. And as much as I'd like to bottle up and ignore my feelings like how I would often, it just isn't possible this time. This may come out selfish but I want to tell people that I'm sad, that my heart is so heavy when it comes to leaving, that I am going to miss all of them, that I do not have the heart to let go of any of them but really, how much of my feelings can I express before breaking down.

And I fell asleep as I typed this out.


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