Saturday, October 31, 2020

adbhkabhfy

It was difficult today and it's only hitting me now that I have time think. I wish I hadn't started certain conversations and said certain things because all I've been doing this evening is going through bursts of break downs. It isn't great when you're alone and without a person to distract you from it. I had thought that this might be a way to let it all out so I could process my thoughts but I don't know what it is? 

I think it'd be fair to say that at this point of my life, I should really start being careful of who I start conversations with. At least with the people I already know and trust, I'd be able to discuss ideas and find solutions. But leaving discussions open ended and with more questions can be quite deteriorating, at least, for my mental health. 

I've pretty much occupied my time all afternoon by calling the people back at home but it's not like I could call them until morning. Nonetheless, I appreciate each and everyone of the calls that were being picked up. The lockdown news... wasn't great either. There's too much going on in my head for what I can handle and at this point, none of them is something that I could address immediately.

Maybe sleep might be good for me now, I'll try that. 

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Birthday Week

 It's my 5th time celebrating my birthday abroad and in all previous occasions, I've always had my best friends and/or my sister with me. This year... none of them were around so knowing that, I braced myself to not celebrate it.

However, the Saturday before my birthday, Abg Lan, Kak Ida and Emma came over to surprise me with a cake and presents! I was deeply touched and realised it was good start for my birthday week. So, I did get a cake, I got people singing me a birthday song and I spent it with people who mattered.

I then realised that I really didn't want to spend the next weekend on my own. So I texted my colleagues to come over on Friday. I texted my uni friends if they're free for lunch on Saturday. And I texted my Malaysian friends if they're free for dinner on Saturday. It was a yes for all.

On my birthday itself, I spent some time receiving calls from Malaysia wishing me a happy birthday. My best friends stayed up until I finished work to have a group facetime call and it was very sweet. Sara and Barney even came over to say happy birthday! Which they didn't have to but they did. I even received a poster of Formula 1 circuits. How can I not be happy! Especially receiving something that I didn't particularly ask for but have always wanted.

The day after my birthday, I came home from lunch to see two boxes of flowers on my doorstep! These were from two groups of best friends, they obviously did not tell me they were to going to get me anything but it arrived and I love it. If you know me, I wouldn't buy flowers for myself but it always feels good receiving them. I then arrived home after work and saw a package addressed to Nurul. Knowing it was for me, I opened them up and found house slippers that I've been meaning to get but never got (God planned that well) as well as a top that I would never get myself.

I believe it was Friday when I then received another present that I was not expecting at all of a scratch map from Kak Suzy, Abang Didi and Baby Isaiah. It also came with a very sweet message and it made me realised that I am truly not alone here. 

That afternoon, I came back home, prepared for everyone to come and we had so much fun playing pictionary. We then realised that maybe, I should start hosting at my place every weekend. Especially seeing how now, all of the snacks and drinks are in my kitchen. So I need to remember to invite people again this upcoming Friday - but for T-Dog's favourite game this time, of Jungle Speed!

I cleaned up the house and went to bed at 2am just to wake up at 6am - unable to go back to sleep. So I did my chores and got ready for lunch. I met up with Nicholas and Jonathan at Rasa Sayang and had some chilli king prawn which was pretty good but a bit too much for me. Note to self, get something that seems like a proper meal next time. We then went ahead to Yolkin and I got myself a pandan ice cream before I what I thought... would be when everyone would go home. BUT! The boys said "What does the birthday girl want to do next?" I then realised they were going to spend the whole day with me! So... as usual... what else would you do in London if not go to the pubs. So that's what we did until 7PM, when I had to leave. 

I headed to Dishoom where I met up with Syahiid, Norman and a new friend, Idlan. Food was amazing and I'm so glad that I asked them out for dinner. I felt like my homesickness was partly cured. I felt like I was at home and lets be honest, with Norman, you'd just always feel like you've been friends with him for the longest time even when you've only met him once before. So that felt really good. We then parted ways and I went home very happy and content. 

I fell asleep but woke up 2 or 3 times throughout the night to answer phone calls and reply texts. So that was me temaning iman to work, kacau-ing hakim and then talking to Amir which then later became a catch up session with Hannah too. Thinking about it, we should've included Zaf to complete the group but he wasn't in our mind. 

Formula 1 then came up, it was relatively boring today. But Daniel won so I'm very happy for him but at least now I know that Nurburgring isn't as action packed as Monza or Mugello. Ending my day, I realised that tomorrow is Monday which means I would need to get back to work and I'm not ready for that. I am however, feeling a bit down because I'm back being alone. So here I am, recalling and writing about my happiness throughout my birthday week thanks to everyone who was a part of it. 

Thursday, October 1, 2020

Reality

If you have been following me on twitter or have been unlucky enough to be included in my close friends list on Instagram, then you'd probably be a lot more familiar with the downside of my life. 

I know I live a life a lot of people want to live. I work abroad, I have stability, I have work-life balance when I want to and I can afford to live comfortably. But I think a lot of people working abroad would also understand that with this, it comes with a lot of worries, loneliness, being homesick, the feeling of missing out and things similar to that. Things that if we were to express it, people would instead say "count your blessings."

I can't deny, there is a lot to be thankful for. I sometimes sit and stare out the window realising how blessed I am. I have such a good life here, I can do whatever I want and not be judged. I am living in a lovely home. I don't have to think three times before buying anything. I don't worry about my bills, my rent, my pay or having to put food on the table. I can go snowboarding for a fraction of the price compared to if I were to go from Malaysia. My colleagues are amazing, supportive and helpful. I don't get shouted at  at work. I basically have what seems like a fairly simple pathway ahead of me...

But I also sometimes sit and stare out the window thinking how the next time I see my family, they would've aged. I have missed so many birthdays and important events. I know that my family and friends have hid things from me knowing that I won't be capable of taking it in when all I want to do is be there for them. I am only able to give my loved ones money and cards to show my appreciation. I would come back home from work feeling lonely, and only have Formula 1 to look forward to in the weekends. I am constantly homesick and would need to put a lot of effort into ensuring that I'm in the right head space before going to work. 

For the past two years, whenever I felt like giving up or whenever I felt homesick I would always just beat myself up over it. Thinking that I'm just being weak and ungrateful. But it wasn't until I was in Malaysia the other day and met my landladies that I realised a lot of people living abroad probably feel the same way a lot of the time. They had told me that they're coming back home earlier than planned and one of the reason was - they said - "Even you've seen my mum more than I have!". 

And that had hit me in the right spot.