Thursday, October 1, 2020

Reality

If you have been following me on twitter or have been unlucky enough to be included in my close friends list on Instagram, then you'd probably be a lot more familiar with the downside of my life. 

I know I live a life a lot of people want to live. I work abroad, I have stability, I have work-life balance when I want to and I can afford to live comfortably. But I think a lot of people working abroad would also understand that with this, it comes with a lot of worries, loneliness, being homesick, the feeling of missing out and things similar to that. Things that if we were to express it, people would instead say "count your blessings."

I can't deny, there is a lot to be thankful for. I sometimes sit and stare out the window realising how blessed I am. I have such a good life here, I can do whatever I want and not be judged. I am living in a lovely home. I don't have to think three times before buying anything. I don't worry about my bills, my rent, my pay or having to put food on the table. I can go snowboarding for a fraction of the price compared to if I were to go from Malaysia. My colleagues are amazing, supportive and helpful. I don't get shouted at  at work. I basically have what seems like a fairly simple pathway ahead of me...

But I also sometimes sit and stare out the window thinking how the next time I see my family, they would've aged. I have missed so many birthdays and important events. I know that my family and friends have hid things from me knowing that I won't be capable of taking it in when all I want to do is be there for them. I am only able to give my loved ones money and cards to show my appreciation. I would come back home from work feeling lonely, and only have Formula 1 to look forward to in the weekends. I am constantly homesick and would need to put a lot of effort into ensuring that I'm in the right head space before going to work. 

For the past two years, whenever I felt like giving up or whenever I felt homesick I would always just beat myself up over it. Thinking that I'm just being weak and ungrateful. But it wasn't until I was in Malaysia the other day and met my landladies that I realised a lot of people living abroad probably feel the same way a lot of the time. They had told me that they're coming back home earlier than planned and one of the reason was - they said - "Even you've seen my mum more than I have!". 

And that had hit me in the right spot. 


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