Thursday, May 12, 2016

Pak Tok

I was never really close to my Pak Tok growing up, that may be because I only spent a little part of my childhood with him. But I've always looked up to him, I admired him from afar. I never told anyone but I used to get jealous when I see my cousins have conversations with him and mess about with him because it's something that I wasn't capable of doing.

However, I did have random small chats with him sometimes but they were never really proper deep conversations... because of how uncomfortable I was at speaking in Malay. But I still remember them so that's nice. Bet you didn't know that I started wearing my scarf properly because of him. This one time, I drank too much and too fast, he said that my cup was leaking because my drink was gone too quick. He used to also playfully hit me for fun because I'm mengada and would overreact. Bet he wished that we were proper close too. 

To make up for all the time that I didn't get to spend with my grandparents, I promised myself that I would save up enough money so that they could come to my graduation. But never did it cross my mind that Pak Tok wouldn't live long enough to see me graduate. Never did it cross my mind that he would be gone this early. I never really got to tell him that I love him, neither did I get to thank him for raising my dad so well or thank him for accepting my mum. On the days that I thought of him and my grandma, I never called. But I did get a hug from him before I left to come here and I'm honestly contented with that. 

Papa, Mami, Mak Tok, aunties, uncles, siblings and cousins, stay strong. Being back in Muar is going to feel so empty without him but we can't do anything about that except doa a lot. Pak Tok won't be there waiting for us to arrive anymore, he won't be there to wave us goodbye as we drive off home either. Someone has to take his role as an Imam now. We won't be able to hear his mega long doa after we pray. What are we going to do? How are we going to get through the days we spend at kampung?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to react. I've been crying but I don't understand what this feeling is? I don't think my mind has fully accepted this and I don't think it will. Not until I go back and feel his absence for myself. But don't worry everyone, I'm not going to dwell on this. I'm going to make all the time that I didn't get to spend with him because I'm here, worth it. 


Wednesday, May 4, 2016


Coming here, I knew that I would miss birthdays, weddings and celebrations. I expected them and I came to accept them. What I recently only came to realise is that I would also miss being there for my family and friends when they need me. Recently, Mak was admitted to the hospital and the fact that I couldn't be there to visit her and support her pained me so much. My grandaunt also just passed away but I was unable to at least go to her funeral. And just a few days back, my best friend had to go through something unimaginable.

Through all these events that happened in the past month, I realised that the most I could do was text those people. And that was it. It pains me so much that I know how much they're hurting and I know how much I'm needed but there's nothing that I could do about it.

J, I don't know how it feels. But I know that you're strong. The fact that you're keeping yourself together through those fake smiles, fake laughs and fake happiness makes me so upset because we can't be there for you. There's nothing that we can do for you but you hold it in there, we'll wait for the time when you can start expressing your feelings. No pressure. It takes time and we understand. We won't leave so it doesn't matter how long it takes, we'll be here. When we're all back in Malaysia, I promise that we'll be that comfort that you couldn't find where you are now. The only reason why I'm not personally telling you this is because I don't want you to feel obligated to reply because it's tough constructing sentences. Our prayers are with you.