I thought it would be a good time to sneak at least a short draft for continuation over the weekend when I'll be able to get around to finishing this post.
I have just come out of what was a horrible week and I'm pleased to say that I came out through the tunnel in one piece. I have realised that I function quite well despite being in a bad place mentally. I'm able to take care of myself, go to work and talk to people but it all takes so much effort. Waking up and getting out of bed had been incredibly difficult. I only realised that I'm now ok when I was able get up this morning without much persuasion from myself.
But I appreciate how I'm now more aware of my feelings, my emotions and know when I'm not ok. Going back to a year ago, I used to beat myself up whenever I felt like this and it didn't help. I would get angry at myself for being tired, weak, lazy and unable to do work.
Now, however, I know when I'm unwell and I acknowledge it. I did think I was crazy for a little while but I no longer beat myself up over it like I used to. Whilst I had limited my social interaction with people, I did have calls with Hannah everyday and if anything, I think that had helped me quite a bit. It helped her too because she needed to do work at night and the time difference made sense.
The more I type it out and the more I talk to my best friends about this, the more I realise that I should seek professional help but at the same time, I'm thinking that if I can live my life... and if it doesn't last too long, then surely... it's normal?
It's a week on from when I wrote those paragraphs... and it has come back. I'm a bit stuck, to be completely honest. I feel mentally unwell and I don't know what to do to get better. It was Eid over the weekends and I'll have another post for that. I spent it with my friends which was nice but it made me realise how I'm really not feeling my usual self. I don't recognise the way I felt because I knew that I was trying a lot harder than I typically would've needed to. However, Yen did say that she didn't notice it so at least it's all internal for now so that's all good?
I am concerned, but i'll give it a couple of weeks and then I'll decide what to do. If anything, I'm pleased that I'm quite self aware.