The Cycle

Picture this - it's raining, the sky is bright and it's covered with clouds. The temperature is 11℃ so you put on your hoody, make coffee and head out onto the balcony. You can hear birds chirping through your earphones where you are playing songs from a new playlist that Spotify has made for you called R&B Soul Mix. Your sister called and she's holding your niece, talking about how they need to skip out on some family day activities because your niece had been crying. 

You've always wished that your family would hold one... and when they do, you're not there. You don't feel sad, you just wish that you were closer to home so that you could be there for that. You know they'll plan one in the coming years - and maybe by then, you'd be able to join. But that's too far ahead in the future for you to think about so you stop dwelling on it.

Your sister then tells you how you could make your niece smile.. and you're making funny faces until she starts giving you a reaction. But then your sister asks, when are you coming back? It's not the first time she's asked; it's a question that comes up every week. But it hits you differently this time, because this time, you actually want to be back. You then tell her that you'll go back when your niece can buy you a flight ticket. Your niece starts crying and you realise that you need to buy your own flight ticket home! It's now your niece's nap time so you get off the phone and grab the laptop.

And that's where I am now. 

Earlier today, I forced myself asleep after waking up at 5.30AM because I knew it was too early for a weekend. So I woke up again at 9 - after being horribly trapped in my dream. I regretted going back to sleep. I contemplated about going into London, but Emi's in Saudi and I asked Faten too late. It's also raining so I don't know if I'd hate myself even more if I head in - I'm thinking I would.

The past week has been a bit difficult, I've been distracting myself with work and I would sleep to stop myself from overthinking. This happens all the time, we get it at least once a year when we start questioning ourselves, our lives, our motivations, our goals... it happens. It's a cycle, it'll go away. But while it's here, it's a bit hard to feel content, to feel satisfied, to feel like you're ok and I think it's normal because of the life I live. 

Yen's made a big decision and I'm so excited for her but she's feeling the same. Again - it's just part of living abroad - or life in general maybe? Both of us feel like we're floating between two phases of life. And whilst we've always felt like this would be temporary, it's been 4 years... and I have yet to make any solid decisions to start settling down. 

We felt like a flatmate bonding time was due, so we went out last night for Italian, and then decided to hit the new games bar in Maidenhead. It was quite sad... nobody was there and it's probably because it was 8PM. But we'll try again next time, maybe with more people. I am currently looking forward to when the time moves to the British summer time because I'm starting to get tired of it being only 8PM but feeling like it's 9PM. My body clock changed time too soon. 

It's a race weekend, I'm looking forward to it. The weather forecast says that the rain will stop. There's a langos and trdelnik stall in Windsor today. So as soon as my washing is done, I'm going to head out and enjoy some yucky British weather. 


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