First Breakdown of the Semester
I had my first breakdown of the semester this week - on Monday, at the Diamond. Fortunately, it wasn't during the peak hours and I had my buddies with me which was comforting but embarrassing. The reason? I haven't had time for myself all week since last week and the workload was just getting to me. But I bursted after I submitted my reciprocating engine quiz and got it wrong.
I think things get tough when you have goals that you want to achieve but bit by bit, things happen that makes you feel like you can't achieve them. It will make you feel incompetent, dejected, useless, regretful and that you are just not good enough. But look at it at a bigger of point of view, you've gotten so far to get to where you are today.
So, are you really incompetent?
Is there nothing at all that makes you happy?
Are you sure you've never been useful to anyone before?
Isn't there anything that you don't regret doing?
I've realised that talking to people helps. I was lucky that I had my friends with me when I broke down. Hannah bursted out laughing when I started crying - but so did I. I was confused as to why I was crying. Amir and Zafran were even worse! They ignored the whole situation after Hannah told them about it. But Hannah talked to me, she reminded me that there's more to everything than just getting the answer to the quiz right. Amir talked to me too, he told me that I can do this and I can get through this. Zafran just told me to stop being a baby. But in it all, I think sometimes, all you need is a few words of encouragement to keep you going because you've gone so far to just give up. It's okay to cry, guys.
Besides that, I have recently realised that I'm starting to really be open about the troubles and problems I'm facing. Back then, even though I am a complainer, I used to keep things that really bothered me to myself. Would never tell anyone (especially someone that isn't a peer) about my insecurities or any really personal problems that I'm facing. Particularly, the ones that I think people would feel as if it is petty. But today, instead of keeping it all to myself, I went to my supervisor and I told her that I was lost. I couldn't see where I was going, I feel like I'm behind, I couldn't see how my project is even related to engineering and I don't get why I'm not good enough for the grade that I'm trying to achieve. THAT IS THE BEST THING I'VE DONE THIS SEMESTER (as of now).
As a conclusion, if you're facing problems, seek for help. It can be a counsellor, it can be your parents, it can be your supervisor, it can be your tutor, it can be your friend and it can even be a stranger. Talk to someone, if they offer a solution, think about it. If you're not happy with the solution, talk to someone else. If you're afraid that people will talk about your problems to other people, then talk to someone like a counsellor or your tutor.
If you feel like life is being really hard on you, I hope you'll talk to someone and I hope that it'll help you as how it helped me.
My final year is getting to me and I feel like going back to third year. On Monday, I had a very interesting assessment day for Tribology where we went to four different stations with different components to analyse the wear mechanisms and suggest ways to reduce the wear. I got my results for it today and I'm happy about it. I'm still not over the Engine quizzes that I keep getting wrong, though.
I had to change my shift from Monday to Friday so I hope to get more done towards the end of the week. I will also be doing 'Pitch Your Way to £1k' next week so check it out and join because, you'll get a free drink and the possibility to get £50 or even more, £1000. Basically, you have nothing to lose.
I had dinner with my friends and my new friends - that I forced to become friends with me just because they live in the same house as my friends.
I've been thinking about how I've been here for 2 years and I haven't really used my opportunities well. There are so many experts in so many different fields that are literally just a walk away and most of them are happy to talk to you about what they know. Therefore, I decided to just go for it. And because of that, I'm meeting a lecturer tomorrow to talk about the entrepreneurial culture in the university. I am extremely excited about it, especially because I'm really interested in the topic and I have so many questions that I just want answers to. I do hope that it will go further than just me getting answers to my questions but I'll update on that later.
Also, I bought myself a Leuchtturm notebook which I hope will stop me from forgetting things and will sort my life out for me. It's new so we'll see how it goes towards the end of whenever.