Some Feelings

I've been outside on my balcony accompanied by 'Journey in the Wild: The Secret Life of a Cameraman' by Gavin Thurston since 4 o'clock - it is now 7. I'm a slow reader so I'm only about a quarter way through. Naturally, I have been distracted more than a couple of times by my thoughts and felt like now would be a good time to blog.

While I've been sitting out here, I've realised why I enjoy being outside. There's so much motion, sound and life that you won't necessarily get if you were indoors. The sort of presence that you notice and find comforting without it being distracting. I'd find myself staring out, seeing a bird fly by or reaching out to feel the rain just to get right back into my book. I now understand why I can comfortably spend hours in silence while I'm next to a waterfall or by the sea. The feeling of living allows me to feel content.

My housemate and I made Nasi Lemak yesterday, we used sambal from a packet because we're both not very good at cooking. We spent the rest of the night talking about life - mainly because we're going through that period where we're homesick and questioning life. Understanding what we're living for and what happiness means to us. Unfortunately, we still haven't found the answer and I doubt we'll find one any time soon. 

I've been 'layaning' (I can't think of an equivalent english word) my emotions the past few days. I knew it was coming but it hits you differently when it actually happens. The PM on my project had his leaving drinks on Thursday and yesterday was his unofficial last day. And I'm feeling a loss... mainly because he's taught me a lot and I feel like he broke me out of my shell in the short 8 months that he had unofficially became my mentor. 

"It'll be worth it, trust me, it's worth it. It's a lot of learning, but it's worth it." - JKS    

He provided me the leadership and support that was necessary while I was going through what felt like an extremely steep learning curve and all I wanted to do was give up. Basically, the shield and shelter that I needed while I was growing professionally. But what I'm really sad about is the fact that I'm losing a colleague that managed to make me feel comfortable enough to vent and be unguarded to. However, I'm happy for him - he's going off to inspire more people. And also, it's not too bad because my new project manager has been great so it's now time for me to adapt.

I know, there'll be a lot of moments in life like this and that change is necessary.


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