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Sunday, October 11, 2015

Week 2

Lets start off with last Sunday. My crew and I went to the Peak District for a walk in the morning, we took the bus (which has usb ports and free wifi) all the way to Bakewell. Arriving there, we walked through a small town before going on a random trail. We crossed a few fields, avoided a lot of cow poo and jumped over a wired fence. When we felt like we had gone far enough, we headed back to town where we walked around for awhile before heading back.

I was expecting the walk to clear my mind but it honestly didn't. However, I did talk to my mum and my sister after that and it made me the happiest person on earth. I think I went from near depression to mega happy. That was when I realised that I may have been homesick and because of that, all of my upset feelings over things that I shouldn't be that sad about escalated. I have a journal/diary that I express my feelings in and when I read back my entry from when I was proper upset, I couldn't get why I felt so upset because I didn't after I talked to my family. So that was a good start of my Week 2. 

I went to the computer lab and did some CFD which was complicated but I got through it. Also went to my first SKY meeting and was pressured on how I better be good at designing but told them that they shouldn't worry because I have Arif. I think it has been raining nearly everyday so I didn't get to play basketball. However, I did play netball on Friday and it automatically got me into the netball team. Will probably play during the Leeds games and the games coming after that. 

A few days back, I found something out and instead of being upset or mad, I was just really disappointed. Mainly because I discovered it on my own instead of being told about it. But I couldn't really confront the person. I also talked to Susu yesterday and it was nice being able to tell her about something and the fact that she could relate just made me happy.

Woke up at my usual time yesterday to go to the market for prawns. They are quite expensive (based on what Mum said) but anything for Nasi Lemak. I didn't like going to the market at all in Malaysia but the markets here are alright because they're very clean and organised. So from now on, when we feel like making something good, we'd just head to the market. Also talked to my mum yesterday which I probably will start doing every weekend and it was honestly very nice.

I was supposed to go to the Peak District today but the crew is planning on going shopping. Therefore, I'll probably just stroll around the Botanical Garden somewhere near Broomhill before heading to Meadowhall because I've promised myself that I would go on a walk every weekend, just so that I could start my week with a clear mind. Also planning on getting a car but I haven't done enough research yet.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Week 1

Interacting with lecturers using a response system on our devices, having an updated electronic timetable, using apps to access our course, being provided with freaking cool labs, classes starting after 9am and ending before 6pm... I am honestly enjoying my student life here. I have never enjoyed labs but a few days ago, I had a lab session and it was so fun! We were allowed to use anything that was on our worktable without being afraid of doing things wrong. It takes 10 minutes to get to class but every morning, my homie and I would leave the house half an hour before so that when we get into the lecture hall, we would be able to pick our seats.

As our building is kind of in town, we would sometimes detour before heading back home. That would mean going to Tesco or going all the way to Primark. I have also been playing basketball nearly every afternoon with the crew. Kema being our coach and there we'd be running around trying to dribble the ball, with me getting everyone disappointed because my shooting skills aren't there all the time. But when I'm in the game, bang bang boom, five nil. That's just an exaggeration obviously.

Getting all emotional now, a few days ago, I wasn't able to sleep and oh was it a nightmare! I have never had trouble falling asleep and there I was, lying down, trying to do the best I can at falling asleep but it just didn't happen. A few close-to-tears moment and a national geographic video got me dreaming in the end. I could sleep in class but couldn't on my bed, if only you could feel my pain.

However, yesterday, after going through something that I didn't expect would affect me so much, I decided to sleep early just so that I could take my mind of it. Thank God it didn't take me long to fall asleep. Waking up this morning, I felt so much better with one thing on my mind which is to get over it. Now, here I am waiting for 9 o'clock because I'm going to go out to enjoy the fresh air. And to leave it all behind me.

I would also like to stop listening to Westlife because I can relate to most of the songs and that isn't cool.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Miss

I was sitting and thinking on the sofa in Holberry (our 'other house') when I suddenly blurted out that I miss Malaysia. Everyone then questioned me on how I can only feel that now when they missed the country right when they arrived. Maybe I missed it ages ago but I didn't actually feel that I miss it because that seems to happen a lot to me. I don't understand how my feelings and emotions work to be honest. I might be upset, depressed or lonely but I really won't feel it until my body acts on it (like being ill).  It has, however, been a good week. Settling in was easy and I feel myself becoming less and less childish.

I met my tutor group and they were alright; my tutor is a lovely Italian lady! She was happy to be getting two girls as her tutee for the first time. Together, we made a marble run out of card and tape and the marble managed to complete its course which was brilliant! Immediately after, we went out to our university's merchandise shop to get our own uni hoody which is by the way mega comfy! I would like to get more but money's an issue right now. Not really, but I have yet to open up a bank account and the earliest I can do that is next Wednesday.

For the last couple of days, we've been hanging out at Holberry a lot. We have breakfast there and would stay until noon because they have a living room where all of us can show off how much of a social outcast we can be. But we did play basketball together yesterday morning and that was fun. It was chilly outside but refreshing nonetheless.

Today's plan is to go to a carboot sale at Mongomery Terrace Road for the useless things we feel like wasting our money on and after our other course mate arrives from Manchester, we'd be heading to Meadowhall for the things we couldn't find at the carboot sale. Pretty much living an alright life but I have friends who are already walking and hiking on hills and I would love to do that but couldn't just yet.

I've been skyping/facetiming people back at home a lot since Eid mainly because everyone is at home for the holidays. I even talked to my grandparents which was pretty cool! It seems as if every time my parents go to Muar, seeing my grandparents wouldn't be a problem. It was a booster but I'm pretty sure that it was also what made me miss Malaysia. But I honestly wouldn't like it any other way so Skype or Facetime me often.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Settling in

It has been about twenty four hours since I arrived in Sheffield and oh has it been a long day. I am currently fighting of the jet lag and the headache that's building up. The plane ride was smooth, no turbulence happened except for this one baby who kept on crying but who am I to judge. Arriving at Manchester airport, went through immigration smoothly but when I wanted to go through custom, for a scan I suppose, I got stuck in the cubicle and I had to get the woman to open it up for me (you're supposed to go through it smoothly). We were greeted by Kak Amira who brought us all the way to our house where we settled down and met the other Kakaks. They made us tom yam and that was lovely.

Going up to mine and Hannah's flat, we decided on playing rock paper scissors to see who'll get which room so we got into one and did just that. I got the room facing the back but that's alright. I now have a walk-in closet and a bigger room than the one I have at home which is amazing. I settled down a bit, kind of, with me going in and out of Hannah's room and once everything was done, I came back into mine and literally just collapsed on the bed.

Woke up kind of early in the morning but forced myself back to sleep just to get my body clock used to the time zone. Unpacked everything and I'm all done with my room just that I still need to get hangers for my closet and some other things. Kak Diyana (I think that's how you spell her name) brought us to the Octagon for our first talk and we got through the day by following our other course mates around for our registration. The British weather welcomed us well with it being not so cold earlier in the morning to it being freezing in the afternoon and lets not forget how it drizzled a second and didn't the next. Walked up to Goodwin without Hannah (YEAY?!) and talked to other people whilst walking up, bear in mind that she did the same so it wasn't me ditching her. But it is pretty saddening how everyone we met are in their first year.

We then went out to town with Kak Diyana and it was a mega far walk. Bought a whole load of things and ended up taking a taxi back home. Coming back home, I bought a top-up voucher for my phone just to realise that I lost my sim card together with my sim card slot. I found it amazing how I didn't really fuss over it like how I usually would. Is that me becoming mature?

People aren't replying my messages and now I hate being in a different time zone.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

48 hours and a bit

It's so hard to accept that I have a little bit more than two days left here. And as hard as it is for me to accept that, a person told me that it's harder for my parents to accept that. Soon, I will no longer be a car trip away. I can't just call my parents and tell them that I am ill, expecting them to appear right before my eyes a day after. Soon, I wouldn't even be able to call my parents whenever I'd like (as if I call them a lot anyway). Soon, I wouldn't be able to go down to the food my mum made or the ones my dad bought. And unless I come back within the 3 years I am supposed to be away, I'll be missing all the jemaah prayers with my family, the car trips, the holidays, the birthdays, the jokes and the love.

Someone told me that showing sadness would lead to more sadness. And as much as I'd like to bottle up and ignore my feelings like how I would often, it just isn't possible this time. This may come out selfish but I want to tell people that I'm sad, that my heart is so heavy when it comes to leaving, that I am going to miss all of them, that I do not have the heart to let go of any of them but really, how much of my feelings can I express before breaking down.

And I fell asleep as I typed this out.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Filled

It's the 14th of September, five days to go and I believe that those five days will pass in a jiffy. My schedule from tomorrow up until Friday is pretty much packed with trying to get my departure settled and with meeting the people I need to meet before I leave. Will be settling the things I am planning on bringing and the documents I will need tomorrow. Then I will be carless for the rest of the week, which is alright since I need to pack my bags and clear my room up. Will reserve up my Friday morning to see my teachers from school and that is it, I shall leave with no regrets, hopefully. 

Went to Muar for the weekend to see my extended family before I leave and to have a kenduri. For the first time ever, I was involved in the preparation for a kenduri and oh was it fun. Non stop playful disses from my uncles and aunties about how bad I am at cooking and cousins annoying me to the fullest. But when else am I going to get to experience all of that after this. Hugged and kissed my grandparents for the first time with a reminder not to get married in the UK and to come back next year.  I've got to say, it seems as if I'm a bit stronger now, as tears welled up in my eyes, it was able to somehow go back in again. 

Thursday, September 10, 2015

counting days

Worked hard for two years so I could leave but now that the date is coming closer, the excitement of leaving is absent. Thinking about the people I'm leaving behind, the three years that people will spend without me, the childish and immature me that couldn't follow along, the events that I'll be missing out on and the memory of Asma that is embedded in peoples' minds.

Who will I be in three years? Will I still be close to my parents? Will I still be able to laugh along with my siblings? Will I still be able to meet my friends and not feel awkward? Will I still be as tight to my GEL family as I am now? Will I be able to come back home and feel as if it's home? Will I still recognise your face? Will I still remember your name? Will I still be the Asma that you once knew?

Who are you kidding, three years is a long time.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Being proud.



The last time I blogged, it was close to my finals. Back then, I've had days where I just felt like jumping out of the window for no apparent reason. Not to suicide (don't get me wrong) but just for the thrill, just to let some things go. Last semester was a struggle, especially towards the end. I still remember the stress I had to go through with the amount of assignments piled up and the subjects I had to catch up on. I work best at night, less people awake, less people on networking sites, less distractions. Therefore, back then, I would sleep at 4 or 5 daily just to wake up for Subuh and later, for class. Finals was the time I caught up with my loved ones and my sleep. That may sound pretty messed up as finals is the time to study but I knew that it was needed.

It all paid off, however, after I got my results. It was rezeki from God. A 4 flat that I never really talked about. Only after that did I realise that a 4 flat really doesn't matter. It's just a number on the results slip. Just that, after you get it once, you are expected to get it again and again and again for a reason that you do not know of. Back in KMKN, for every 4 flat I got, I would feel proud - obviously but was never able to express it because society does not approve of self-acknowledgment.

Being in Malaysia, I believe, constrains you from being proud of what you've achieved. An announcement about your achievements would mean that you are bragging when all you want to do is to express your happiness of achieving something after working hard for it. A word about your accomplishments would make people say "Jangan bangga sangat, nanti Allah tarik balik rezeki," when all you wanted was people to congratulate you. In the minds of many people, compliments would lead to someone becoming a stuck up when instead, it would actually motivate them to do better. With the thoughts and fear of God taking back my achievements, I would only talk about it with my family and close friends. Because around here, being proud of your own hard work is not acceptable.

Therefore, after three 4-flats in a row, I'd like to show my gratitude for everyone who has helped me believe in myself, who visited me when I needed some love and support, who allowed me to keep the lights on at night, who listened to my complains, who helped me out with their lab reports, who taught me things I didn't understand, who kept me questioning, who kept checking up on me, who gave me the time I need, who didn't bother me while I was busy and who took care of my health when I wasn't bothered to. And especially to Allah, for answering my prayers and for blessing me with wonderful people in my life.